The Real Meaning of ChristmasIn this time of the year it is often easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas, what it is we all are celebrating in this most precious, and special, season. With the rampant consumerism. mean spirited shopping frenzies and death worshipping violent video games, lack of family values and mean. negative people the true hearted sometimes loose heart and forget the true and loving spirit that underlies such silly rituals that we just take for granted such as holly, mistle toe, egg nog. It's a Wonderful Life and filling your bong up with Everclear. Yes I'm talking about the real meaning of Christmas. Do you know the real meaning of Christmas? Well ...... some soft music please while I explain the real meaning of Christmas.
Around December 25th, thousands of years ago, a new Sacred Yak was born on the holy planet Nemesis, the Fifth Sacred Yak that has existed in the history of our solar system. Because of humanity's sins, when the people forgot their Yak and stole the grain hidden in the Ziggurat of Nebuchadnezzar, The Fourth Sacred Yak grew sad, then she grew angry. With the wrath of a scorned Sacred Yak she took of her dung and made the Himalayas, altering the world's weather patterns and forcing the Chinese and the Indo-Aryans to speak different tongues, she took a fifth of her urine, poisoned the Saharan rain forest and created the desert that we know there today. Finally she grew tired of these preliminaries and began to spit her sacred snot at the sun. The sun, growing upset, decided to leave our solar system. Of course things began to chill out a bit. Rather they grew quite cold. People had to cut holes in ice just to find fish to eat and this was in Hawaii.
Then a pall fell on the People of the Earth. They rent their garments and gnashed their teeth, pouring ashes on their heads all the while. Taking what was left of the sun imprisoned in wood, they built great fires and burned all their priests, then they burned all their chiefs and their chiefs' wives and daughters and one legged dogs, forgetting not an insignificant grasshopper to be found on the chieftans' hearth. Then they burned the doctors and men of law and burned those who suggested that those others should be burned in the first place and yet still the sun did not come back because The Sacred Yak continued to snort snot at him. What was worse, burning people was nowhere near as fun as it was when it was still warm. So the people continued to gnash their teeth and pour ashes on their heads and rent their garments and, well you can imagine I'm sure.
Then one day Simon had an idea. He drew big pictures in Peru which said in the language of those times (today lost) that the people of earth were very sorry about eating the grain of the Ziggurat of Nebuchadnezzar (now a charred Nebuchadnezzar incidentally) and that they would never do it again. It was a stupendous undertaking, equivalent only to the building of the Panama Canal or the selling of Andy Warhol as an intellectual, made more difficult by the fact that the sun was very far away and there wasn't that much light to see with anymore (with even the people worth burning being greatly reduced) but if you had the perfect vision of a yak living on Nemesis perhaps even your hardened heart would have melted, for that's what happened, either that or the Fourth Sacred Yak's giving birth to the Fifth Sacred Yak caused maternal sentiments to be extended to those pseudo-smart monkeys down there on earth who were, after all sorry for eating the grain in the Ziggurat of Nebuchadnezzar and would never do it again.
The Fourth Sacred Yak, as a sign of her forgiveness, stopped blowing snot at the sun so he once again came back to our system to bring warmth to our lives. The Yak had not forgotten the slight done to her and the Ziggurat of Nebuchadnezzar however, and because of this reminds the People of the Earth to behave by snorting snot at the sun non-stop from July to late December, causing the sun to head towards Sirius until she stops, the sun being a forgiving sort himself always comes back. In honor of this cosmic good will we give each other gifts, in commemoration of the good will of the Sacred Yak on Nemesis who stops snorting snot on the sun on this very special day. In memory of the fun of setting your superiors on fire we put lights on Christmas trees and bum yule logs. Egg nog is of course representative of Yak snot, while holly and mistle toe are sacred to Simon. Most important of all, as a sign of penance for eating the sacred grain of the Ziggurat of Nebuchadnezzar, we eat the flesh of birds instead of the customary American diet of brown rice and vegetables. So the next time the mad shopping rush turns you into an old Scrooge, just remember what Uncle Joe has told you about the True Meaning of Christmas - DON'T FUCK WITH THE YAK ON NEMESIS. Happy Holidays.